Everyone Cares That You Aren’t Watching That Popular Sporting Event, Sources Report

This newspaper can now report with total certainty that the fact that you don’t care about the sporting event currently airing is a source of interest to absolutely all of your friends and colleagues.

“I’m not watching [the World Cup/the Olympics/the Superbowl/the World Series/other event that many people are watching], and you can’t make me,” you tweeted or posted as a Facebook status recently.

This was devastating to absolutely everyone you know, who had, in fact, been planning to make you watch the popular sporting event.

“It’s just not going to be the same without them,” said one of your friends, who has been invested in one of the athletic teams competing for many years now, and who considers himself a devoted fan of the sport. “The happiness I derive from this sporting event is definitely going to be impacted by their lack of passion for it. I care that they don’t care. I care so much.”

Another of your friends, who hasn’t been paying attention to the sport until now but recently began watching games because their local team was doing well, agreed.

“Whether we win or lose just… doesn’t seem to matter any more,” she told reporters. “They’ve made me see the meaninglessness of it all. The fact that they don’t care just really means something, you know?”

After your local team, in whose fortunes many people were invested, won an important game, you also tweeted or posted on Facebook the phrase “Yay sports! Win the points. Kick the ball.”

Witnesses can report that this comment was both witty and original.

Other thoughtful points you’ve recently made about sports, such as that children play sports, and that sports have little or no impact on politics or the larger world, were a source of great interest to absolutely everyone.

“They’re right, sports don’t matter, in the big scheme of things,” said someone you’re friends with on Facebook, but with whom you have not spoken in years. “All these people are so invested in who scores a point in a game, and there are wars and diseases, and stuff. God. I’m only going to devote my life to things that matter from now on.”

This person subsequently quit their job and joined the Peace Corps, declaring that they had abandoned hanging out with friends, TV shows, shopping for clothes, listening to music, and using electricity, since none of these things had a positive impact on the larger world. They cited you as inspiration for this drastic life change.

The current sporting event will continue for another three weeks, during which you will continue to make your friends, colleagues, and family aware of your lack of investment in it. Said friends, colleagues, and family said that they would be delighted and grateful to have these updates.

“I just really need to know whether they’ve changed their mind, it’s really important to me,” said one source close to you. “Have they started caring about sports yet? Do they still not care about sports? I’m waiting on the edge of my seat for news.”

Sources can also confirm that disliking something that everyone else likes does, in fact, make you better than other people.

More on this story as it develops.


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